Who is REALLY the failure?
I was going to write about something else tonight but now i’ve got this on my mind. I feel like crying. I have cried. I feel horrible and let down and like i’ve let my kid down. Taylor’s math,social studies, and science teacher emailed me today telling me she was recommending Taylor be held back this year. I immediately called the guidance counselor to talk to her about this and see what options they offered.
After talking to the counselor I am even more depressed about this situation than I was before. They offer NO options. I was told that it was my fault she is failing. That had I had her put on meds for ADD she “could have passed” and then I was told,” sometimes meds makes a huge difference” and after that I was told,”Some parents choose not to put their kids on medication, and thats fine, there are other little things that can be done like moving her desk, putting up a screen so she can only see her paper. But, sometimes meds really help.”
I was told that having her on meds could have made all the difference this year as her problem is with focusing. She is not a bad student. She has not been in trouble not one time. Her issue is with focusing long enough to do the work and do it correctly. Then I was told that I need to turn the tv off after school and focus on home work. I corrected the counselor real fast when she brought that up. The tv in my house goes off EVERY day at 4 pm. We sit down and we do home work EVERY DAY. Its also done CORRECTLY as I check all their homework every day. The counselors answer was,”oh well okay”.
See Taylors problem is not with home work. Homework she makes good grades on. Her problem is with SCHOOL WORK! They can’t keep her focused and now the blame is on me. I am not at school with her. I can not be there all day every day watching her and making sure she is on task. I almost feel as if when the teachers found out I wouldnt put her on meds (my husbands decision 100%. He wont even discuss it) I feel as if they gave up and washed their hands of her.
All year long I have asked them for help with her. Over and over again I asked them for help. She didnt understand. The answer I got was she isnt focused and meds could change that. Over and over again. I asked them to send her to the “success room” for the extra help and they refused telling me that “she needs to learn to do it on her own so she will be prepared for 4th grade” well they cant even get her to pass the 3rd grade and now they blame me! I’m furious but i’m also extremely upset.
I really feel like a complete failure as a parent. My mom says not to take it personally that its not my fault. But how is it not my fault? I’m her parent. Its my job to see that she succeeds. This is where i’ll upset someone who had a child fail but i’ve always looked at it as the parents fault when a young child fails a grade. There is just no excuse unless the child has a real reason for failing like a learning disability which the school has ruled out here. Taylor has not had a REAL problem until this year. She has struggled with math in the past. The school is/was VERY well aware of this as i’ve told and asked them since day one for help. So I feel like its my fault. LIke i’ve failed her some how even though I don’t know what else I could have done.
I’ve tried positive encouragement and rewards. I’ve tried grounding her. I’ve tried EVERY suggestion given to me. I don’t know what else I could do other than go to the school and do her work for her. I’ve been so upset over this today that I’ve cried and my mom told me there was no sense in that, which I understand but this is very hard to deal with. I never imagined one of my kids would fail a grade. I feel like this is my fault and that as a parent i’m not doing my job. I just don’t know what else I could do. I really hate this school district. I just don’t have the means to move to another.
You are NOT a failure and nor is your daughter.
Please listen to me, I am a supply teacher and I can tell you know if everything you are saying regarding your daughter’s behaviour at home and how she does her homework is correct then the problem is THE SCHOOL.
End of story. I would be asking the school why they cannot keep my child interested? Is there any underlying bullying going on?
It could just be a simple matter of your daughter is more comfortable at home and therefore homeschooling would work better.
Is that an option for you? Could you home school, it really depends on you and your husband’s time constraints. You can still let your daughter take exams etc but they are done in a more informal way – on line!!
I went through the traditional school system, but home schooled our eldest. We have since moved and found a great rural farm school where he now attends but that was his choice and he felt ready to take that step.
We loved home schooling and would do it again.
Oh my. My answer to you may get long but here goes…..My youngest son was very “bright.” In kindergarten they wanted me to move him up to the 3rd grade. My oldest son was in the 4th. How could I do that?? They said he’d get bored and he was already way above the class and what they were trying to teach the other kids. I did nothing special, it was just the way my son was.
After thinking it over we decided to keep him where he was but let him go to the other classes such as 3rd grade math and such. How could I put him that far socially above him? He would be so much younger than his “peers.” Every single thing outside of school from baseball to church, he would not have a connection with anyone. All his “friends” would be older.
To try and make a very long story short, the school got mad at us for not listening to what “they wanted us to do” that my son was picked on constantly. Then they wanted him on medication and we couldn’t believe it. He had straight A’s. They said he was always getting up to which I said “why do you let him?” It went on constantly and was always “behavior” things that were nothing. So I took him to his pediatrician and he said NO WAY would he medicate a child because the school said to. He said his grades were his first indication and “getting up to sharpen a pencil 48 times a day” does not require medication.
He had a miserable elementary experience. Once he hit jr. high, everything was fine.
I live in MN and they can’t do one thing with our children that we don’t agree with so if you don’t want Taylor held back, she wouldn’t be in this state. I don’t know about Texas though. Do you think she should stay back another year? Does she know about this? IF so, what does she think about it?
You are NOT a failure and neither is she. This is a very minor blip in the road. A very minor blip. Please don’t cry and please don’t blame anyone. You should check your laws if your unhappy. Did you not know any of this until yesterday?? Man, there would be smoke coming out of my ears. There almost is!! It may be best for her to stay back but emotionally, it might not be best. That is up to you and her and it’s also up to them to help her. That is what special ed is for and for them to dig their feet in just because you didn’t agree to drug your child is against the law.
Please keep us informed and let us know what happened.
Thinking of you.
Joy
It is the Schools problem not you or your child’s problem. The problem with public schools is that they are linear and they want kids education to be pumped out like cookie cutter duplicates in a factory. Your child, like many (including me), has a different style of learning and it is not something she should get punished for. Holding her back is essentially punishing her for their inability to support students with AD/HD. I strongly support your desire to not put her on meds and it is not something they can hold over you. Of course she is going to have a problem sitting still and focusing if she is made to sit in a seat for a long time. Many kids with AD/HD around 3rd and 4th grade start having problems because the the school starts requiring them to sit still longer because they are “older” and apparently can “handle it.”
Please go buy or take out from the library: Learning Outside the Lines” by Johnathan Mooney and David Cole. I think you will find it very comforting and helpful. It helped me a lot. Also, a PBS video, you may be able to find at the library, called “Missunderstood Minds” is also a really great and supportive video. Its shows your not alone. Also search on PBS.com about learning disabilities, they also have good information.
I will tell you this: Your school, with pressure, will not hold her back, you just have to fight for her right to continue on to the next grade. My parents where very involved in my education and during high school I was not in the college track even though I always said I wanted to go to college. The school, with pressure from my parents, got things to happen that the school, at first, said could not be done. I was able to switch into higher level classes and make up opportunities that were not offered to me before.
I have learning disAbilities including a reading and math disability. I graduated college with honors and am in a graduate program to be a librarian. I am a librarian with a reading disability. It just shows that your disability is just a label and your daughter can do anything she wants. She just needs to keep up a good self-esteem, have role models, and know how she learns and what works for her.
Good luck and Your not alone. Get that book out!
Rachel
I tend to agree with Rachel. Go fight for her. They may want to pass her just as a way of not having to deal with you. Then you can work with her all summer and by then you’ll know next year to keep your eyes WIDE OPEN. Failing her with no notice is so wrong!
I forgot to meniton, you know what they say, “the squeaky wheel gets the grease!”
How are you doing today? I just wanted you to know I was thiking of you. It’s Saturday.
I’m sorry that I’m just getting to read this today!!!!
I currently take medication for ADHD…but that’s as an adult…and it’s something I do every few years when I find that the coping strategies that I’ve taught myself over the years are no longer working. I’ve never intended to stay on them my whole life. In another year or so, I’ll get off them and be good for another 5 years until I need them again.
I’m sure that I had it as a child also, but it just wasn’t diagnosed then and kids just weren’t put on medicate then…or at least not in the area where we lived. I was in remedial services throughout elementary school and was placed in the low track or ‘dummy track’ throughout school. The irony? I had a small graduating class, 35 kids, and I have more college education than any other member of my class! Some people went to college, some dropped out, some never went, I earned my Bachelor’s, my Master’s, and then a 2nd Master’s and some college courses beyond that when my employer asked me to. Not bad for one of the ‘dummies’. I just had to learn my own strategies. I know now that I HAVE to write things down when someone speaks to me in person. Email has been a Godsend to me because it provides a written record. I have to create deadlines. I have to allow myself breaks. And because I have ADHD, I actually often use noise to help me focus. I’m not sure if that makes sense…I’ve also learned that being female that my hormones DO play a role…and little things like sipping warm coffee throughout the day calm me down.
I’m also a teacher and I really do NOT like the idea of medication for children. I’m already very nervous that my own tendencies are going to play out in my kids and that the school will recommend medication. Like your husband, I will probably try alternate solutions first.
MEDICATION IS NOT A LONG TERM SOLUTION. I don’t mean for that to sound like I’m yelling at you… I’m really not sweetie…I’m just trying to scream it loud enough that if you open your windows hopefully those people in your school district will get a clue…geez…It doesn’t solve the problem…it won’t have taught Taylor a thing about focusing…not a thing…she still wont’ have a clue about how to focus in school and not a single teacher will have to raise a finger to help….Your school told you that she needs to learn to do it on her own? Then remind them that you are helping her to do it on her own, what have they done lately to help her? Because otherwise it will be the Ritalin or the Concerta or the Stratera doing it for her, not Taylor, and the only way she’ll ever learn to do it on her own is for someone to show her strategies. She won’t always be in that school, she will be an adult and all she know is how to do it by taking a drug. For so many kids, that’s all they’ll know…
It INFURIATES me!!!!
AND I’M A TEACHER!!!! ARGHHHHHH!!!! But unfortunately the teachers that believe what I do we’re really few and far between and I also know that the time just isn’t there during the school day any more to devote to individual students like Taylor. It’s horrible. Since No Child Left Behind came into play, more children have been left behind than ever.
A couple things I did notice in your post. You said the math science social studies teacher emailed you. Is this the same person or three separate people? If it’s just one person then perhaps you just have one lone crazy out there making your life miserable. That could be much easier to deal with.
You also mentioned that when you talked to the guidance counselor they started to mention strategies at home you could try and then seemed surprised when you were trying them. It almost makes me wonder if the guidance counselor had been led to believe that you were not working with Taylor at home. It’s almost like you caught him by surprise. If that’s the case, then I agree with the other commenters, you advocate your little heart out girl. I’d start by providing a VERY detailed schedule of what you and Taylor do every evening and then list what strategies you use with Taylor to get her to concentrate. Then I would at this point act like you were totally on the side of the school. ” I brought this in hoping that we could correlate Taylor’s home and school strategies and see where the gaps are. If Taylor is failing as you say then obviously there are some gaps somewhere. Why don’t you show me what strategies you employ with Taylor during the day?”
If they really aren’t doing anything to help her then you’ve totally called their bluff and covered your butt at the same time. I’d also make sure that a copy of your strategies and a letter asking for theirs gets cc’d to the principal “just in case” he doesn’t know a thing about what’s going on. I’m willing to bet that he may have NO IDEA that this teacher even contacted you in the first place. AND if they were dumb enough to do it via email (sounds like they didn’t have courage to say all of that to your face) then you also have proof that they are blaming you for her failure, that way you won’t come across to the principal like a crazy mother who thinks the school is out to get her. I’d include a copy of the email with your letter too. “As a follow-up to your letter dated May 15 I’ve included a copy of the strategies that my husband and I use each evening in working with our daughter Taylor as well as a copy of our evening schedule. This schedule is strictly enforced, and as can be evidenced by Taylor’s homework grades seems to be successful in helping her concentration.
(Then I would add the piece that I mentioned above:) ” I’m hoping that we can compare Taylor’s home and school strategies and locate any gaps. Taylor’s failure of a grade is a very serious matter and needs to reviewed immediately. I believe that if you share with me the strategies you employ with Taylor during the day we can correlate our methods to find a plan that provides Taylor the help she needs when she needs it the most. I look forward to meeting with you very soon to discuss this matter and will call to schedule an appointment. Thank you for your time.
I would totally send this letter, and get a copy of your schedule in their hands and MAKE them produce for you what they’re doing. If they want to push you, then push back, but be very professional and civil about it and SMART….you can’t charge in and be the crazy psycho momma…even if you want to be and feel like it at the moment….that only removes any credibility from you. But if you send the principal and the teacher and guidance counselor an intelligent letter you are suddenly a much bigger threat than they thought.
And you ABSOLUTELY have to call a couple days after you send it to schedule the appointment (unless you deliver it in person of course)
Of course, listen to me talk, like I’ve done this before…I haven’t…. BUT I have seen those parents who were discounted and I know what NOT to do
Keep us posted!
Jen
http://parents2parents.org